The toxic vagina of doom

Warning: Gross-out Alert! Those of you family members who don't want to think about the Walskes having sex, do not read this post!

The sun had not even risen above the furthest peak this last Saturday when Dear Hubby and I had to, er, "get it on." I'm sorry, people who like morning sex are just weird. People are not attractive and good smelling in the morning, and those are two ingredients I require in order to have sex. So, why, might you ask, would I be engaged in such activity before being appropriately showered and good-smelling? Much less before having my morning coffee? Let me tell you a little more about the fascinating world of infertility! One of the litany of tests required to determine what might possibly be going wrong when two otherwise healthy folks are not able to reproduce is the Post-Coital Test. So, basically, the premise here is to see what happens in the vaginal environment after "the act."

Suffice it to say, Dear Hubby's sperm never had a chance inside the toxic vagina of doom. To quote my doctor, "all vagina's are acidic." Well, apparently, mine is really acidic. So acidic in fact that sperm cannot survive. Here's how this "sperm to the egg" process is supposed to work in an ideal non-super-acidic environment: semen is alkaline as is fertile vaginal mucus, the kind that is produced when women ovulate. This protects the little swimmers on the mean streets of the vagina so they can make it to their goal: to party with the egg. But on my mean streets? The sperm get beat down early, and partying with the egg is but a pipe dream. My best analogy here involves the Lord of the Rings. See, the sperm are Frodo and Sam, and the egg is in Mt. Doom. The goal is to get Frodo and Sam across the toxic land of Mordor. And in this case, Frodo and Sam don't make it.

So now what, you might ask. Well, as it turns out, there may just be a really cheap, non-invasive, old-wives' kind of remedy for this here situation: baking soda. Yes, you heard me, baking soda. For those of you who remember back to basic high school chemistry, you may just be able to recall that baking soda dissolved in water makes an alkaline solution. Alkaline is the opposite of acidic. And if the goal is to tone down the acidic environment of, well, say, a vagina, I suppose one might do so with an alkaline solution.

So next month, Dear Hubby and I have to, again, have early-before-the rooster-crows sex and do another post-coital test. But next time, we're supposed to add, um, a baking soda solution to the mix beforehand. And then, I guess we'll see how Dear Hubby's swimmers do.